Christian Community
Wisdom Amongst Friends
If you’re new to this newsletter, this may come unexpectedly. Occasionally, I find myself inspired to write a piece exhorting or admonishing my fellow Christian believers. If you are not a Christian, please feel free to disregard this post if you feel so inclined (they can be somewhat long-winded). However, if you are a Christian, I write these as a helpful resource of encouragement for you.
I want to talk about the topic of “community” today. There are many churches that would encourage small groups, community gatherings, potlucks, and the lot, according to the scripture of Hebrews 10: 24-25, which says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”
The Bible itself often speaks to friendship in its own wisdom literature.
Proverbs 27:9 says, “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 “Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!”
The Bible never explicitly commands us to “get friends” but rather makes the assumption that we will all indeed have friends. This is a good thing. Friends are of great value, and, naturally speaking, all individuals have an innate desire to feel as though they are a part of something. This is why we join clubs, play recreational sports, and pick up hobbies. We want to feel as though we belong to something. Even the “lone wolf” often relates to others who embody the same persona. Though friends are good and oftentimes life-changing, we can easily find ourselves surrounded by individuals not best suited for our spiritual health.
Proverbs 18:24a says, “A man of many companions may come to ruin…”
So, you may have all sorts of community, but that doesn’t keep you from a poor spirit.
But the second part of that verse, Proverbs 18:24b, says, “But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
While some can certainly be there for your spiritual good.
There are two quotes on friendship that I hear often shared around Christian communities:
1. If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
2. No one who has friends has failed.
I was first introduced to these quotes by two dear friends of mine. In many ways, both of them live by these quotes (applied to the topic of friendship). At first glance, these quotes sound inspiring and potentially Christian in their meaning. However, if we take time to reflect on them, some issues may arise if we are not careful.
Let me say that I certainly appreciate the spirit of these quotes. Each one carries a well-intended meaning and an encouraging message. Allow me a moment though, to discuss their potential downfalls, starting with the first quote: “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
Oftentimes, when applied to friendship, this quote may ring true. However, it assumes that the individuals with whom we are traveling with are up to a level of qualified standards. There’s a stark difference between climbing Mt. Everest with Sherpas and climbing it with children. Even with intense training for yourself, you may not even make it to base camp if accompanied by individuals incapable of such an atmosphere. Even so, in some cases, such as traveling across an open battlefield, it would be better to be alone than to draw attention by bringing a multitude of soldiers with you. I say these things because it is of value to you to ask yourself, “Who are those that I surround myself with?”
Having friendships is not simply about the number of friends you have; it is, more importantly, about the quality of the individuals with whom you surround yourself.
Our active calling as Christians while here on this earth is to pursue holiness by sanctification in Christ Jesus. Our friendships should accompany us in this pursuit. So, what sort of friendships should we be searching for? There are a few which a believer ought to add to their life. These few, I believe, ought to be the types and kinds of Ahead, Similar, Behind, and Different.
1. Ahead
Individuals who are “Ahead” are those who have walked a similar path to the one you’re currently on and have more experience in life and biblical literacy than you do. These individuals are usually mentors, elders, heroes, etc. They are the kinds of individuals whom you’re able to seek advice, teaching, and guidance.
2. Similar
A friend who is “Similar” is a person who is currently in the same stage of life as you. Whether that’s similar in age, relationship status, career, etc., are all examples of someone in a similar vein of life. These individuals would hopefully also be spiritually identical to you as well. Having generally had the same depth of knowledge of both scripture and theology. These are those that you come alongside to carry each other’s weight together most regularly.
3. Behind
Someone who is “Behind” is an individual who is not as capable or experienced as yourself. To the “Behind,” you would fulfill the role of the “Ahead” while you help them along in their growth, practice, life, and faith. For just as someone poured into you, therefore, you ought to pour into those coming behind yourself. Disciples make disciples.
4. Different
The “Different” is the sort of individual who shares a different life pattern and experience as you. You need to befriend those with whom you don’t find common experiences or interests. Befriending individuals who you would not often find amongst your day-to-day patterns in life will allow you to better understand the world outside of your usual sphere of influence. For example, if you grew up financially well off, it would be good for you to befriend someone who didn’t. If you come from the south, it would be good to befriend someone from the north. Experiencing different cultures and upbringings is a healthy experience for us as individuals to grow. Now, do not misconstrue this message as though I am promoting experiencing new things if they are sinful practices. When I speak of a “Different” individual, I speak of those who often share the same Biblical beliefs as yourself. There are certain things to be learned even from an unbeliever, but in this message, I speak more so to the “Different” Christian friend. We as human beings seek comfort and do not actively seek out being challenged on our worldview. Our careers and lifestyles often place us around people who think similarly to us or share the same interests. To mature, we need to see that not all individuals face the same challenges as we do, nor do they solve them the same way in which we may feel inclined. The Holy Spirit ought to be all that believers need to share to become friends. Shared interests are helpful, but you should make a friend who will introduce you to a life outside of your familiarity and comfort zone.
These four types of friendships are important. Each challenges, encourages, offers stability, and helps bring about growth in life in different ways.
In a perfect scenario, every believer would have all four types of friendships. However, we do not live in a perfect world, and it’s often hard to find all four. Realizing the likely pitfalls of each, when lacking the others, is just as important, so that one can take actions preemptively against falling into blissful ignorance of the temptations that may grow from each.
A warning about the “Ahead”
If you only have mentors, individuals who push you, it can be easy to forget to enjoy where you are. Yes, I will always recommend folks look to the future over the present, but it is a good thing to celebrate your current placement in life. If you’re only ever focused on growth, you can forget to slow down, rest, and build gratitude for your life. If your focus remains only forward, then you can easily forget the small things in life that are worth celebrating. To always remain unsatisfied can lead to a life of the never-ending chase of things that the Lord may not have for you, which then leads to anxiety and even a potential pitfall of believing in “earning” your salvation. You may even become prideful in thinking you are more worthy of salvation than your siblings in Christ. Being pushed and challenged is certainly a good thing, but one must also learn to rest and enjoy today’s gifts.
A warning about the “Similar”
I see this pitfall more than any other since these friendships are the easiest to obtain and maintain. If you only have “Similar” friends, you may unknowingly be stuck in the same place. As the old saying goes, “Never be the smartest person in the room.” Being self-motivated to growth is a hard practice to maintain. If the individuals around you do not regularly and actively push you, then the chances of your maturity happening grow vastly slimmer. “You cannot lead someone to a place you’ve never been” or “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit?” are two quotes that also stand out concerning this sort of thing. It’s easy to believe that we can be self-motivated to grow, but that is by no means the natural inclination of mankind. We don’t know what we don’t know, and all that we know, we learned because of someone else. Without our parents, who had come before us, we may never have learned to speak, read, or write, which now seems so inherent to our subconscious, but at one point, it took effort. So, if it were not for those ahead of us encouraging us to learn how to do so, we may never have known. Do not simply drift in the tides of life, and react to where it slowly takes you, but pick up your oar and begin paddling.
A warning about the “Behind”
If you only have individuals who are “Behind” in your life, this can create a quick path to exhaustion if you spend all of your time pouring into these individuals while you yourself are not also being poured into. You cannot fill another’s cup when yours is also empty. You may even find yourself regularly being drawn back into old sinful habits that you once grew out of if you are not careful. If you were once an alcoholic, though you’ve moved on from that lifestyle, you may find yourself in it once again if everyone around you is still living in drunkenness. The final warning for the “Behind” category, if you manage to avoid the first two pitfalls, would be that once you encourage them up to the position of “Similar,” then there would be nowhere else to go. If you haven’t grown, then you can only take these individuals so far and eventually find both you and them to be stagnant in your faith.
A warning about the “Different”
Oftentimes, because of differing perspectives, inclinations, or upbringings in life, we can have differing theology or interpretations of the Bible. All groups, even our own, have their misgivings and sinful leanings. This is why we must get outside of our sphere, but it is also why we need to be weary when we do so. If we surround ourselves only with individuals who are from a different background as us, we may find ourselves being given over to groupthink. It’s easy to take on the mindset of the crowd, even if it’s incorrect, if the majority of those around you seem to have the same way of thinking. You are a product of the people you surround yourself with. We like to believe that we won’t be easily influenced by others, but we always are. Engage the “different” to know where your own cultural blind spots are; however, be wary not to be influenced and pick up new blind spots that are heretical theology or sinful actions while doing so.
This now leads me to talk about quote number two.
(Don’t worry, it gets shorter from here.)
"No one who has friends has failed."
This quote has a very heartwarming meaning to it, but it does have a potential downfall. If this quote is taken too seriously, then one might find oneself sacrificing convictions for friendship and prioritizing companions over calling. Christ says in Luke 12:51, “Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you, but rather division.”
Our faith and obedience as Christians is to make God and His will our number one priority. Jesus lived this perfectly in saying to Peter, his closest friend, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” (Matthew 16:23). I would believe Peter had the best intentions in his heart when he tried to rebuke Jesus from going to suffer on the cross. However, Christ stood firm in His calling, which the Father had given to Him, and did not put Peter’s will above the will of the Father.
Elijah, in 1 Kings 19:10, felt completely alone but did not sacrifice the Lord for friends and comfort. “I have been very jealous for the Lord, the God of hosts. For the people of Israel have forsaken your covenant, thrown down your altars, and killed your prophets with the sword, and I, even I only, am left, and they seek my life, to take it away.”
I regularly ask believers, “Is God enough for you?”
I ask this question because we ought to be satisfied enough in God that if He were to take everything away from us tomorrow, which He has the authority to do, whether it be our health, wealth, friends, family, job, security, etc., then we ought to be able to still sing praises to His name. Thank the Lord He hasn’t done such a thing to many of us, but even if He were, we are still to trust Him completely and never turn our back on Him.
Friends are a means of grace that the Lord has given to us to be enjoyed while here on this earth, but they are not the be-all and end-all. Christ is all in all. No one who has Christ as a friend has failed. Don’t make an idol out of friendship.
I leave you with one final thought on community and friendship.
It’s okay to find yourself alone.
It can be scary at times, but it’s okay.
If you look to scripture, with many of the fathers of our faith, you will find that at some point in time, they spent extensive periods alone.
Even Christ, after His baptism, had to be alone in the desert for 40 days, and regularly got alone to be with the Father.
Being alone oftentimes forces us to face the demons in our lives. It can be a terrifying ordeal, but it’s actually good for our spiritual health. Lean on the Lord, believe that He cares for you, familiarize yourself with the scriptures, and know well that Christ is good. Don’t be afraid of being alone. If the Lord wills it, He will bless you with those best suited to bring you joy, but be sure to prioritize the pursuit of Him and His will most of all.
Friendship is an incredible gift from God, but don’t choose quantity over quality, and don’t be afraid of loneliness along the way. Turn to Christ and trust in Him.